Your daughter's ride home from soccer fell through; the 10-year-old neighbor is selling wreaths door to door for Scouts; the dog doesn't get outside in time; the smoke detector screams as dinner burns; your son requests 34 cupcakes he needs for tomorrow's "snowflake fair" at school; Mom calls to say, "Honey, Dad doesn't look very good."
You want to have the "attitude of gratitude," but right now… it's just not working out that way. Good news: it doesn't have to every minute of every day. It's not an all-or-nothing proposition. It's not: either/or — thankfully, it's both/and.
Much of life is "triage."
Triage is the medical term for determining the most acute issue to the least. What needs attention NOW versus as soon as reasonably possible? Sometimes it all feels like an SOS. When we have mundane demands like cupcakes, we can be thankful that the grocery store can solve that problem. At this moment, "Dad doesn't look very good" might need immediate exploration.
Being aware of and very familiar with your elder loved one's medical issues and medications is an investment that will have a huge payoff as time goes by. If you are not at all familiar with it, getting a call like this from Mom can put you into a tailspin. What could it be? Any and everything. However, if you are well-informed about his medical conditions, you have a considerable head start.
Technology is not always our friend, but in this instance, it is. Use FaceTime or a similar service to take a look at Dad. Talk to him. Is he confused? More than usual? Is he dizzy, in pain, hot, cold? Once you do a visual intake, you now have information to share with a medical provider if you think it needs to go that route. Remember, calling them saying, "Dad doesn't look good," gives them no reference point to start from about what might be wrong.
Where does Giving Thanks come in here?
We aren't in a great place, and honestly, don't feel like we have all that much to be thankful for. Let's rethink that. We can't reverse the aging process, we can't retract disease, and the calendar doesn't go backward. Although we are in "today," and have our challenges, it doesn't mean we didn't have yesterday. There have undoubtedly been ups and downs: part of the human condition, but surely there have been ups.
A mindful practice.
The "attitude of gratitude" can, with practice, take us beyond immediate circumstances. An awareness in the first sip of coffee that is just right; the warmth of the hot water in the shower; the air that fills our lungs; our ability to see colors, faces of loved ones, and in fact, to see at all.
When we are confronted with the pain and decay that often accompanies the elder years, our perspectives can change. I personally struggle with the process when I see someone devolve from a life of accomplishment and ability to that of dependency and loss of dignity. Maybe that is a factor in my profession of the last almost forty years.
Gratitude is there if we are willing to look for it.
Sometimes, if our circumstances are bleak, we need gratitude more than ever. In truth, it is a spiritual practice, one I have been working on for years, and to share my own experience, it works. During my short ride from home to work each day, I could bathe myself in a quick NPR fix, a "golden oldie," the banter of a morning radio show, or a quick phone call to someone, but I resist.
I am grateful for my home, my clothing, my car, my lungs, and my eyes. The blue sky, the grey sky, and any sky. Grateful for struggle and that it may make me a better person. Grateful for sadness as it makes my joy even sweeter. Grateful for those we care for at Aberdeen, whose lives we can touch and whose pain we can sooth. Grateful for those I have loved, those here and those gone.
It's hard to say how it works, how it transforms. I can only promise you that it does. Try it. Commit to it. Give thanks, not just in November, but every day of every month.
Beware, it will change you.
Joanne MacInnis, RN, is the founder and president of Aberdeen Home Care, Inc., of Danvers, a concierge private duty home care agency in business since 2001. With 35 years of nursing practice, management and administration experience focused on home care and hospice, Joanne and her team specialize in advising and supporting families addressing the elders in their lives retain dignity and quality of life.
