A bright nine-year-old once asked me, “If everything we do comes to an end, why do we do anything? It doesn’t last.” Yikes. Stopped in my tracks, I struggled for an answer, which seemed empty and hollow at the time, and came up with, “Well, because we remember, and that’s important.”
When you are on a calorie restriction, (a.k.a., a diet) the words “a moment on the lips, forever on the hips” is a popular and trite sentiment, yet true. Our experiences are merely moments, even raising children. We love a certain age, full of wonder, and then we are onto another age, full of angst.
Having worked with elders for much of my nursing career spanning 40 years, the power of memory has been demonstrated to me again and again. As you consider this, think about the tools of memory, especially if memory becomes impaired. You’ve undoubtedly experienced seeing an old photograph that floods your mind with, “Oh Look… remember her… we were so young… I haven’t thought of him in years,” and on and on.
We are transported to another time and place, and it’s REAL. The miracle of how our brain retains information is breathtaking. A fragrance or smell of something in the oven can bring us back to a beloved grandmother’s embrace or kitchen.
How do we help our beloved elders, who may be struggling with memory loss, visit times gone by?
Good news: use your tools. Too much information is usually NOT helpful. Gentle prompting, reminders, and seeing if the memories will surface are better options. With some coaching, it may be a surprise to see what surfaces. As a rule, cognitive decline and diseases that affect memory tend to preserve long-term memory while deeply affecting short-term memory.
The gift of memory.
The Holidays will be upon us soon. Look at any large store, and you know what you’ll find. Seize the moment and think ahead. Consider making a few photo books for your loved one. Many online print companies offer reasonably priced books that you can add your own text to. One idea is to group the decades into clusters of 20 years and add a few key words that may jog a memory. Fewer, larger photos will be easier to digest and make sense of.
If you aren’t tech-savvy and want to do this in a more low-key way, create a DIY photo book. Grab a photo album and gather your supplies. Consider enlarging the photographs, diplomas, letters, certificates, and anything else that seems worthy to be easily seen and understood.
Remember that memory is a fickle thing for those with memory impairment and those of us who are “intact.” Some days are better than others. What if the photos generated discussion of these precious times and people? Not only could it invoke memories, it may also well invoke deep emotion. Don’t we have similar feelings when we see photos of “old times?” We may feel a myriad of emotions…warmth, amusement, and sometimes longing and loss.
If the stories don’t come on their own, prompt them by asking, “Gram, tell me about this person standing next to you if you can.” Focusing on the experience of your loved one, the people and places that are precious to them, and the periods of time that may be very long ago, is bound to be deeply moving.
There are, of course, many reactions to memory cues.
Some could be painful for reasons we are not readily aware of. Maybe some things need to be revealed. Perhaps some burdens have been buried or lost in the shuffle of life. Maybe some regrets and losses need expression.
Trial and error. Let your intuition be your guide. If their distress is beyond manageable, shift gears. Like the rest of us, our elder loved ones have a big mixed bag of memories. Your help in capturing some could be the gift of gifts.