Coping with death and the loss that follows is the subject of "hot off the press" books, movies, magazine articles, YouTube videos, pop songs, tattoos, and we've just scratched the surface. Benjamin Franklin said there were only two things certain in life: death and taxes. Our early life experiences, and that of our parents and even grandparents, often shape the way we cope with loss. How we process death, the loss, and the grief that follows, is as individual as we are. Our collective experience, personal beliefs, and vulnerabilities create the template that becomes our emotional response.
We've all heard, "she will outlive us all." She persevered through a health crisis or two: heart attack, cancer, stroke. She's faced many losses: parents, siblings, two husbands, and a son, let alone most of her friends. How could she have survived all of this? Creeping into our subconscious, she becomes a bit… invincible. We often read in obituaries of those having lived well into their 90's and better "died suddenly and unexpectedly." Really?
When the loss is a child, young adult, or someone in "their prime," we feel they were "robbed" of a full life. With the loss of an elderly family member, we have no reference point in life without them. They are a pillar to us. Whether or not their body functions well, if they have become dependent, have a failing memory, or a terminal illness, they have always been there… and now they are not.
While you feel "unzipped," as if there is a gaping hole in the center of your body and heart, the rest of the world goes on in its usual way. In truth, no one does know "exactly how you feel." How can they? The relationship you had with the one who has died, is unique to only the two of you, as will be the loss you feel and the grief you are left with.
That's what our personal relationships offer us. You can identify who in your life creates "safety" for you. Maybe it's the one holding the memories; the physical, financial, emotional, or social. The loss of this person opens you up, perhaps in ways that come as a surprise.
This openness of grief can bring about feelings of extreme vulnerability in a world of dangers. It can also be an opportunity to examine what was, what is, and what can be. Relationships are so layered: are very rarely "either/or" but are in truth, mostly "both/and." Sometimes the most complicated grief comes when death ends a troubled relationship. How we reconcile this loss (making peace with the past, letting go, forgiving, or coping with regret) will not be mutual, we will be doing that bit of heavy lifting. Complicated lives and relationships may well mean, complicated grief and healing.
Despite having worked in hospice care for many years, I was not prepared for my profound and paralyzing grief when my mother died. It was through the help of a bereavement support group, offered by the Bertolon Center for Grief/Care Dimensions in Danvers, that my broken heart and spirit began to heal. Whether it is one-to-one grief counseling, group-style support, meeting with a clergy member or attending a faith-based program, help is a phone call away. Grief is a normal response to loss. You are not crazy or weak, and you can't just "get over it." If you are stuck, you can't move forward. The Bertolon Center for Grief and Healing in Danvers (978) 774-7566 may be the perfect place to start.
Joanne MacInnis, RN, is the founder and president of Aberdeen Home Care, Inc., of Danvers, a concierge private duty home care agency in business since 2001. With 35 years of nursing practice, management and administration experience focused on home care and hospice, Joanne and her team specialize in advising and supporting families addressing the elders in their lives retain dignity and quality of life.
