Happy senior couple from behind looking at front of house and car
The family home is a shrine, a sacred place. It’s where it all happened. Babies came home from the hospital, kids grew up here, and maybe loved ones died here. This building has housed the good, bad, and all in-between. It has been everything, but is it possible that it no longer fits?
You see the work that needs to be done in the house. You worry about if the plowing folks will get there and if they will shovel well, sand, and salt enough. You worry about the power going out and your loved one fumbling around in the dark, at risk for falls. The list is endless.
Some families can make it work at home. The house can be modified. Generators, stair lifts, and ramps can be added. In my work, these are the clients we care for and help keep safely at home.
Taking on all these modifications at once is admittedly overwhelming. We begin…at the beginning. We know what the needs and risks are and start from the top. Start where the greatest risk is and work your way down.
Do you know what your elder loved one has for resources? Is their home paid for and in their name? Are there other financial resources to make these modifications a reality? And most importantly, what do they want? Staying at home is the first choice for many, but sometimes it can’t be for many reasons. If staying isn’t on the table, what is?
Elder housing and assisted living facilities are options, but both generally come with a waitlist. Nothing happens quickly anymore. We know this from our everyday experience of things that don’t matter much. When we feel pressed to get things done, the urgency makes waiting feel intolerable.
Buckling down and dealing with this hard stuff before the crisis will save you a storage container full of remorse later and undoubtedly increase the quality of life of the loved one you are concerned about. These conversations are cousin talks to “maybe it’s time to stop driving…we might need to install a stair lift…how about a life alert system…perhaps I should be on your bank account,” and more—all brutal, disruptive, and evidence of the roles that are changing.
Many decades ago, transfers of responsibility may have happened (or not), but they weren’t discussed in the open, or at least not in my family. We might have seen it with our grandparents, but as I recall, everything was more covert then. It’s not easy. Talk to your friends, colleagues, and trusted others who have been there. Support is everything during times like these. Take my advice…don’t go it alone.
If you are in a family system that prefers to avoid (no shame here), discussions like these may “go against your grain.” It might be hard to tackle the paperwork (Health Care Proxy, decisions about life-extending medical measures/MOLST), and if that is the case…get help.
It can feel as if you are exchanging roles. These are your parents (aunts, uncles, grandparents), those who were the adults when you were a child. They are the decision-makers…not you. It’s a role reversal, for sure.
If you glean anything from this article, let it be to see things as they are and see what is not that far off in the future. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Never truer than dealing with fragile elders, whom we love, respect, and only want the best for.
Your local senior center (an excellent resource), SeniorCare in Gloucester, and don’t forget Mr. Google. It isn’t easy, but closing our eyes doesn’t make it go away. Assess what is, consider what might be ahead, and start your plan. You’ll be glad you did.
