Letter To The Editor: Respectfully, An Apt Parody On MBTS’ Mask Mandate

To the Editor,

In light of Manchester’s current Board Of Health town wide public mask mandate, I offer this timely parody detailing a new public health mandate that may or may not be currently under consideration.

The Board of Health is issuing a town Indoor Hop Mandate.

After consulting with the Center for Disease Control (CDC), Secretary of Health and Human Services for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, Governor Baker, along with the Board of Selectman -- The Board of Health is issuing another town mandate.

The Board of Selectmen and Board of Health voted unanimously (under the cover of darkness) in a joint meeting on October 14.  The Indoor Hop Mandate will take effect on November 1 and applies to all businesses and public buildings.  The purpose is to proactively prevent a rise of depression within the Uniped community.

Proprietors and employees at businesses will be obligated to police this mandate and confront anyone at their establishment who is not hopping while at their business.  The Board of Health will have “spot checks” to ensure compliance of the Indoor Hop Mandate.

Additionally, all “servers” at restaurants will be required to tie one arm behind their back while serving food to patrons, and tellers at banks will be blindfolded while handing out money.  These requirements are all in the spirit of “keeping our community safe”.

While this Indoor Hop Mandate may appear ridiculous on the face of it, the mission of the Board of Health is to protect the mental health of the Town of Manchester-by-the-Sea through enforcement of health codes and regulations while promoting a healthy community.

The following persons are exempt from the Indoor Hop Mandate requirement:


• Children under 5 years old.
• Persons for whom hopping creates a health risk or is not safe because of any of the following conditions or circumstances:
 

-          the hopping affects the person’s ability to gather groceries safely;
 

-          the person has a mental health or other medical diagnosis that advises against hopping;
 

-          the person has a disability that prevents them from hopping;
 

-          or the person depends on supplemental apparatus to walk.
(Source: Commonwealth of Massachusetts)

To learn more about the “Indoor Hop Mandate” you may refer to the town website “minutes” for the Board of Health.  I am confident the subject was discussed at their May 13, 2021 meeting -- the most recent meeting with minutes posted on the town website.

Respectfully,

Thaddeus Billings Waterhouse III

Manchester