"Time to head South," says Dad…but I'm not so sure.

Posted

What a relief not to worry about Mom and Dad during the winter months; no slipping on ice, driving in snow, frozen pipes, furnace failures or snow removal. They enjoyed winter outdoor living down South, without the weather-related complications that are the norm here in New England.

Living in two places has its benefits, but there sure are plenty of complications.

Mom and Dad have two of everything… including medical teams. It's a challenge to keep everything coordinated between their north and south teams: communication, testing, medications, refills and dosages. Up to now, it's been manageable, but over the summer, things changed.

Even though the good weather supports her going south, Mom's medical situation is rapidly evolving and becoming more and more complicated. Since they came home in May, she has been in the emergency room four times and hospitalized twice. Her overall stamina is way down, and her symptoms and meds seem to be changing all the time. It's not that there isn't good health care in Florida, but to change medical teams now (that took months to stabilize) feels precarious. Mom needs our support almost daily.

And then there's Dad.

He is determined to go. His golfing buddies are pressuring his return. They have a great network down south, although their friends are aging too. Through the years, some of them have had to stay put with family up north. Mom and Dad were always adamant, "this won't happen to us." The bottom line: Mom is much more fragile, needs consistent medical care and daily help. Dad is healthy and wants to get back to his regular winter routine. It seems clear that Dad doesn't fully appreciate Mom's situation.

Mom and Dad are in two different places for the first time.They are the same age and have both had minor issues, and up until now, their daily lives and routines have not been impacted. Mom wants Dad to go to Florida, but he says he won't go without her. It feels like an impasse.

How can we make this work?

  • Can Mom go for two weeks and then return home?

  • Can the family accompany her down South?

  • Can we divide up the time and provide some family coverage for her there?

  • If she isn't comfortable going at all, can Dad go down for a couple of weeks by himself, and can we cover Mom at home?

  • Can we present to Dad that he goes, and if Mom changes her mind and feels up to it, she joins him for a week or two with support from the family?

Compromise. 

We must find a way to meet the needs/wants of each, without sacrificing the wellbeing of either one. Not easy and maybe not possible, but worth some thought. Our priority is both: Dad's happiness and Mom's wellness. Sometimes there isn't a perfect solution where both parties get exactly what they hoped for.

Reality check. 

It might be a time where Dad needs education about what's happening. Maybe he's stuck in denial that Mom's issues are now limiting her ability and freedom to "get up and go." Admittedly, this is a terribly difficult period and topic to wrestle with. Coming to terms, however, is part of the deal. 

These are the conversations similar to: giving up driving, getting help at home, or relocation. If you have had these talks and did not get the outcome you hoped for, you might need reinforcement. A healthcare professional who can help Dad understand Mom's "new normal" and its impact might be a big help.

Local Councils on Aging are an excellent place to begin. They can help direct you to local professionals who can get you started, be an ongoing support, or help create a plan that meets the particular changing needs of your family.

Joanne MacInnis, RN, is the founder and president of Aberdeen Home Care, Inc., of Danvers, a concierge private duty home care agency in business since 2001. With 35 years of nursing practice, management and administration experience focused on home care and hospice, Joanne and her team specialize in advising and supporting families addressing the elders in their lives retain dignity and quality of life.

mom and dad, joanne macinnis, new england, healthcare professional, aberdeen home care inc., florida