Peace be with you. You're kidding, right?

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Let there be Peace on Earth… and let it begin where? With ME? Are you serious? It's the hap-happiest time of the year…and Peace on Earth, but NOT for me.

First, there are the ten Snowflake Fairs, the neighborhood party, the work parties, the cousins, and on it goes — all in 25 days. There is the 'busy,' the running around, the events. And then there is the...other stuff — the gatherings of family that are difficult, or even beyond. Broken relationships are highlighted at this time of year. There are estrangements, the kids, teens, and young adults who are struggling, those who get triggered by the holidays are just that, and then there are those we have lost. Salt in the wound, and it's the most wonderful time of the year?

Sometimes, things are what they are. 

Some broken relationships don't get mended. Perhaps it doesn't need to be center stage. Maybe a gift we give ourselves this year is letting go. What if we didn't need to hang onto that anymore? What if we acknowledge the pain and disappointment, sit with it, and then look for a tiny sign of joy? A song on the radio, a card from someone we miss, a big pine outside filled with lights - it might lead to more. It might ignite gratitude for the tree, for lights, for vision, for breath, and for life.

Like most things, it's not "either-or, but both-and."

There is room for the grey, the darkness, the sadness, and the disappointment. There is also room for the red and green, the silver and gold, the carols, cards, and the warm embrace of a good friend.

A surefire way to allow the grey to thrive and grow is to deny its existence. "Everything's great, thanks for asking," may indeed be our answer and may be very far from the truth. In fact, since Mom's in the hospital, Dad is really confused and asks me every five minutes where she is. Everything, in fact, is not great…at all.

There is no magic wand. 

No way to change what is. What we may be able to do is to change ourselves even a tiny bit, to cope. It might be the year that we do it all differently. When we most need all the traditions of old, precisely because our reality is in the crisper, it might not be possible. We need to think outside the box. Maybe way outside.

"I want to give Mom and Dad the best holiday I can; it may be their last together." 

Well, that might be true. Maybe the real question is: how do we define best? Is their best, "Martha Stewart best," or "the manger in Bethlehem best?" What kind of best can we manage? Is best enjoying hot chocolate by the fire with carols playing? Is best a visit from one great old friend talking about the "good old days?" Is best writing out a few chosen holiday cards? Is best a wreath in every window, or a luscious one only on the front door?

Maybe best is enjoying now. 

Doing 50% of what we usually do and loving it. Maybe best is NOT saying, "I can't wait until this is over." Perhaps that's not the best.

If, like many of us, you are struggling to create and participate in a holiday that checks all the boxes, and it's not the year for that, let's make a new list. Reduce the boxes. What if "they" were right, and less is, in fact, more?

What if peace is in the quiet, in the moment, and even in the silence?

There will be other years. There will be Martha Stewart tables again, wreaths on every window, and limitless correspondence. This year there won't be. This year, the focus is inward. In a way, it's refreshing. Like the darkness, the hibernation, the going inward. The exceptional beauty in a candle, in the smell of evergreens, in the carols, in the togetherness. The hot tea with mom, talking about Christmas Past. Reaffirmation of love. These are the real gifts we give. 

We create the atmosphere. Others feel our energy. What if we could take the pressure off…downsize part of it and upsize the other? When it's all said and done, we want some peace. What if it was available all along…and just got crowded out?

Joanne MacInnis, RN, is the founder and president of Aberdeen Home Care, Inc., of Danvers, a concierge private duty home care agency in business since 2001. With 35 years of nursing practice, management and administration experience focused on home care and hospice, Joanne and her team specialize in advising and supporting families addressing the elders in their lives retain dignity and quality of life.

joanne macinnis, aberdeen home care inc.