It's Dad's First Christmas in the Nursing Home. Ouch.

Posted

We were all in agreement, even Dad. It seemed okay in late September. We visited regularly; he even came out a couple of Sundays for dinner. Halloween was tough, as he used to love handing out the candy and making a big deal of all the costumes. 

We had every intention of bringing him home for Thanksgiving, but he had a bad cold, and the nursing home advised against it. After we finished our meal, we packed up his dinner, and the whole crew headed over for a visit. Truthfully, it was very weird, maybe more for us than for Dad. He seemed fine, but we all left with a lump in our throats. Will we be able to bring him home on Christmas, or will we be back here with a plate of leftovers and some gifts in hand?

Sometimes, there's no other choice.

Dad kept falling... no matter how we tried to prevent it — moving him to the first floor, eliminating tripping hazards, reminding him to use his walker, and putting in extra care. At night, he was getting up to use the bathroom. Mom couldn't do it anymore. He fell a couple of times when she was trying to help him. That's when we knew he wasn't safe at home any longer.

Choosing a nursing home was a lengthy process of visits, interviews, and finally, selecting the best fit for Dad. The facility is a good one, and like most families, we have been mostly satisfied with his care. It's not like home; it couldn't be. We all visit, bring meals, and Mom goes every day for lunch. But… the holidays are different. It's tradition for us all to be together; we revisit what was and take comfort in that. This is NOT what we had in mind…

Like most things, it isn't an "either/or" situation, but rather "both/and." It's our "new normal," and we are mostly resigned to the fact that it was our family's best choice. Mom and Dad are aging. They are changing. They are still here, which we can't lose sight of... and how great that is. But the reality of the aging process is a painful one, and often filled with losses.

Get practical. 

On the flip side, we aren't stuck. There are many options for how to create comfort where there is pain. What if we had a "sleepover" at Mom's house around the holiday? The kids could "camp out" in the living room. Alternatively, maybe Mom has a sleepover at our house. If Mom has always been the hostess, what can she do to participate in the holiday meal or festivities to keep her engaged and have purpose? 

Let's talk about talk. 

Start by acknowledging the way we are all feeling, the “both/and” of it all. We are trying to make sense of things both in our inner world and out here as well. Sharing our feelings of loss, validating them for each other, even with Dad, who may or may not be feeling the loss of not being home, gives those feelings a voice. If we bottle them up, they come out sideways, often not with the outcome that is best for ourselves or our family relationships.

Take inventory. 

Can Dad get home for the holiday? Can he spend a night at home with help from the family? Do you need to hire a wheelchair van to get him home? Start talking about the logistics weeks ahead so everyone can ask questions, get answers, and come to a place of comfort with it.

Manage our expectations. 

Dad may have minimal energy. He may need an accessible bathroom, and a good "landing place" at home (maybe a power recliner or a day bed). He may have a window of a couple of hours, needing some quiet time afterward. You all know him best, but if his change of status has you feeling uneasy about how to meet his needs at home, his care facility knows. Ask for a meeting with his care team so you can be prepared and feel more confident.

If coming home isn't in the cards, bring the holiday to him. 

Decorate his room. Make his favorite treat. Divide up the visitations to a couple of people going daily, rather than fifteen people crowding in on the actual holiday. He might not be able to take in a crowd, but in small doses, he will appreciate the time you spend.  

Your time and energy.

That's your best gift. That's the food of relationship. It's what nourishes our connections. Whatever your circumstances, with thought, creativity, and some advanced planning, it's possible to have happy holidays on your terms.

Joanne MacInnis, RN, is the founder and president of Aberdeen Home Care, Inc., of Danvers, a concierge private duty home care agency in business since 2001. With 35 years of nursing practice, management and administration experience focused on home care and hospice, Joanne and her team specialize in advising and supporting families addressing the elders in their lives retain dignity and quality of life.

joanne macinnis, aberdeen home care inc.