Many of us have been there. Mom and Dad had a great marriage. They met at age 20 and were married for 50 years. Mom's only been gone just over a year, and Dad drops the bomb: he's getting married again.
We've met her several times and we were glad that Dad had a friend, a companion, and someone to spend time with. We felt sure that it helped him process Mom's passing and that it would keep depression from setting in, help him move through the grief. But... getting married? Even though it's irrational, this feels disloyal to Mom.
After Mom passed, we all spent lots of time with Dad. Evenings, weekends, and we each took him on our family vacation. He was great with the grandkids, active and energetic. They loved having his attention. When he met Gloria, we were delighted. They went to dinner, the movies, and the music theater. Dad said, "It's casual, nothing more." That seemed perfect. Well, circumstances have changed.
Where will you live? Why don't you wait? Have you met her friends, her family? What are they like? Are you going to have a prenup? Are you going to sell the house? How does this affect Dad? How does it affect me? How does it affect us? We've had a massive change in life with Mom's illness and well, losing Mom. Everything about this seems like too much, too soon. But… we want him to be happy.
It's complicated with many layers of trying to figure things out. Maybe for some families, it's black and white: either a very good thing or a very bad one. For most, it's not either/or, but rather “both/and.”
If the family has grave concerns that this is not in Dad's best interest, be honest gently and respectfully. Your caution could help mitigate risk. You may need to seek professional intervention or advice to cope with your own feelings and fears.
Because marriage has many layers, it might be wise for the couple to meet with their attorneys and financial advisors. Government benefits, pensions, managing assets, increases in estate value, long-term care costs, and equity in estate distribution are some of the many issues to be dealt with.
Does this mean that Dad's new wife gets all Mom's jewelry that we were hoping to pass on to our daughters? Is she going to convince him to sell the house where we all grew up? Is there a lifestyle or habits that don't seem in line with Dad's? Will he become part of her family, and gravitate toward them and away from us? Does this mean he is less available for his own grandchildren? Do we think this relationship brings out the best in him? What if it doesn't work out? Will he be devastated?
In the best scenario, there are bound to be an array of feelings attached to Dad's remarriage.
Keep your eyes open, get the professional help that may allay fears or head off a disaster, and realize that loving again does not threaten or damage the love that was. Dad's new partner isn't the mother of his children, the grandmother of his grandchildren, or his college sweetheart. That's only Mom.
But there might be room for Gloria, too.
Joanne MacInnis, RN, is the founder and president of Aberdeen Home Care, Inc., of Danvers, a concierge private duty home care agency in business since 2001. With 35 years of nursing practice, management and administration experience focused on home care and hospice, Joanne and her team specialize in advising and supporting families addressing the elders in their lives retain dignity and quality of life.
